Who am I?

This is a question that has plagued me for quite a while now. Growing up my life was defined by all of the activities I was involved in: softball, cheerleading, band, tennis, clubs, etc. I was a straight A student who wanted to be involved in everything available to me. As I have gotten older all of those activities have stopped and I have been forced to look a little deeper inside myself to see just who was in there.

For almost ten years now my life has been defined by the term wife. I have been married to Kevin Jackson for almost 10 years. They have been wonderful years. We often laugh and say that we finished growing up together. Which was quite true and a joyous experience. I have always desired to be a godly wife. One that loves and respects her husband. One who understands the true biblical meaning of submission and sacrifice. I have found that sometimes I am better at those things than others. I am learning how to be a wife that extends grace to her husband because she needs extreme amounts given back to her. Being my husband's helpmate is such a joy. We will often sit and talk about life, well not as often as we would like due to 3 very needy little people in our house, and on occasion the Lord gives me grace to truly help Kevin with my words. I am NOT a good communicator. I have a very hard time expressing what is going on in my head and heart. My beginning to type this blog is pretty funny actually. I am hoping that it will be beneficial to myself to practice getting things out and written down. Anyway, on the rare occasions when my words seem to help Kevin, I feel my biblical role as wife is being met. I am proving to be his helpmate and this makes me feel very good.

I have also been defined over the last six years as a mother. This has got to be the biggest challenge of my life. Being responsible for little lives is no small feat. God is using my own children to sanctify me. I see daily as I deal with my children how much grace I need from God. I see very clearly my need for the gospel. I am a complete sinner. I find so often my patience and gentleness with my children is no where to be found. I then am reminded of the gospel. My sin should have kept me away from God for all of eternity. However because of His grace to me through His son Jesus, I am forgiven.

On days like this morning that truth brings such comfort. I am a perfectionist. I like to be able to hold things together and have everything in order "as it should be." When you have a house full of three small children holding things together just doesn't always happen. I was getting myself and the kids ready for church this morning and every room that I walk into was an utter disaster. How does this happen???? It was just cleaned up! My heart drops and failure fills my mind. I look around and have thoughts such as you can't do this... you are not doing your job and homemaker very well! I become very frustrated and snappy with our children while frantically trying to pick up and get everyone dressed, fed, bags packed, and out the door. This is a scenario that happens quite often in our house. This morning as the same things were taking place as usual I was reminded that I am not perfect. I never will be perfect. I can't hold things together and never will be able to. Because of my imperfections and sinful desires (desire to control things) I need Christ desperately. After "pondering these things" I let go of the need to have the house perfect when we left and therefore become frazzled and in no condition to go worship God and rejoiced in the fact that Jesus was perfect. I didn't have to be.